Who loves a good party complete with copious amounts liquor and nudity? This guy that’s who. My second bachelor party proves it. I am not saying I was drunk but Amy Winehouse would be like, damn that guy is wasted. She would have been right.
The bachelor party is a sacred time honored tradition among men. The last chance to talk your friends out of what I call a living suicide. And if all fails a time so shorten their suffering through liver damage. It is known to be the lesser of the two evils.
There we were hanging out at Kevin’s the very morning of my party. Its 10am and we are drinking beer, I don’t want to remember this pain. We are relaxing having a good time. The plans are set and I will be the center of attention, for all the wrong reasons. All I have to do is remain conscious.
Too late, its 1:30 in the afternoon and that bitch Kevin got me drunk already. I need a nap or I won’t be making the party. Screw it I can’t get up. I pass out where I lay. It’s now 4pm and Kevin is waking me up. I feel refreshed and so aware of my surroundings. I am going to drink all damn night now. I am primed, pumped and ready to go. I am finished getting ready, Rick and Kevin are waiting on me. All I know is I am not driving.
We crawl into the truck and head out for something to eat. Remember these words, Fried chicken is not an ideal food for a night of drinking. We finished eating. My tummy is upset. I think all the beer from earlier has slowed the gastrointestinal process. Too late to worry know so we have a moment of silence.
We bow are heads and we pray. Dear lord we thank you for our time together and for the fellowship, stories and Kodak moments we are about to receive. Please bless this night of stupidity and bring everyone home safe. Please let Bob puke outside the truck this time and remember to drop his pants before crapping. AMEN
It is a good thing to be early for your own party. I like to apologize in advance so the bar is less likely to call the police (this will come in handy later). While waiting for the entire party to arrive rick proposes a shot. Something vulgar and Lang like to start it all off. Tasty it was. A few party goers arrive. Kevin proposes a shot with another toast. Even better than the first. The entire party has arrived and festivities are to begin.
One by one everyone in the party brings me a shot and we toast. Then they congratulate me and ask all sorts of questions. Are you sure this is the right girl for you, or is she blind and deaf you lucky bastard? I am feeling all right I have had 10 shots and I got to pee. I boogie on over to the bathroom. The urinals are full so I tip the Matradee and gain access to the porcelain palace. I am sitting there admiring my view from the upper class when the power goes out. DAMN, instant vertigo. One minute I am looking down from heaven and the next I am at a roller disco bash. I can’t stand up I am so dizzy, even if I could it was dark, and the first rule of men’s room etiquette is we don’t feel around when the lights are out. The room is now spinning at a rate that is intensifying the G-forces on my body. I feel as if I am about to pass out so I blow chunks instead. It’s Dark and I am locked in a stall. I fumble around for several minutes to navigate what must be a 10 digit cypher lock. Finally free I do my best to compose myself and leave.
I can see the emergency lights are on in the bar. Just enough light for me to make it to my seat. This is perfect nobody will suspect me of being drunk. I sit down and like magic the lights come back on. Man I have to pee again. As I rise out of my seat the next few people bring me shots. One by one they go down. What the hell did I just drink it tasted like a rotten bag of dicks covered in whip cream? Now I have a reason to puke, but first I got to pee. Once again I bogie to the bathroom. I am sure it looked more like Paris Hilton having a coke seizure. I open the door and cling to the nearest urinal. As I stand there doing my business I hear a guy come in with a mop bucket. He is cleaning up my handy work from earlier. Terrified he looks at me and asks why do people do this, it only 8:30. I agree with his justifiable resentment and offer my two sense worth. We should find that asshat kick the crap out of him. I quickly leave before I start getting kicked. Back to my seat it’s time for a shots and dancing.
Some families have really good genetics. Mine does not. I am white, as far as dancing goes I would be considered pasty. I got the moves; I can sway my hips, wave my arms, shake my butt and draw names in the air with my penis. I just can’t do it all at once. I end up looking like a cross of Steve Martin in the Jerk and Kermit the frog with a broken leg. Not pretty at all. But I am drunk and don’t care so here we go.
Daddy is working that money maker tonight, everybody wants to dance with the party guy. Then my jam comes on. One two three four let me see the tootsie roll. HELL Yeah it’s on. I got my shit shaken; I am dry humping everything not moving. It is good to be me. Then the music stops and the spot lights on me. I am shaken hands and saying howdy to the ladies. It seems my instant fame in just too much for them, and I can’t blame them. Suddenly someone picks up my pants. In my haste to not get beat up it seems I forgot to button up the trousers.
Back to the bar to drink away the embarrassment. I have now had around twenty shots. I AM LIT! No two ways about it. I go outside to get some fresh Air and rick comes along to check on me. We wait outside trying not to puke when out of nowhere comes this pack of wild prostitutes, I mean bachelorette party. They look hot, well hot and fuzzy. I think they should meet The Bob so I cautiously approach the elusive herd. Whaaattsss up ladies. No response. Perhaps they don’t know who I am. So again I say WHAAAATTSS UP LADIES, again nothing. Maybe this is the Helen Keller fan club. As they leave to enter the bar I become legend. I drop my pants and underwear to the ground and grab my pecker. I begin to chase these women around the parking lot screaming HERE CHICKEE CHICKEE, HERE CHICKEE CHICKEE. Then out like a light. I wake up in the back of the truck and I am being tended to by the very selective hookers I just artistically assaulted. They like me after all; I must admit it is one hell of a penis!!